Trump Unleashes “Phase Two” Sanctions on Russia: Putin Chuckles, EU Leaders Book Flights for Donuts
Washington, D.C. – After Russia launched a massive wave of drones and missiles at Kyiv, President Donald Trump took to the stage and declared he was ready to unleash “Phase Two” of sanctions against Moscow. Asked what exactly Phase Two meant, Trump replied:
“We have many phases. It could be tariffs, it could be football penalties, maybe even banning Russia from Netflix. Very secret, very powerful, you’ll love it.”
Meanwhile in Moscow, President Vladimir Putin reportedly laughed out loud and turned to his aide:
“Does he know Russia doesn’t even have Netflix?”
Super Tariffs… on Friends?
Insiders say Trump’s secret weapon is a set of secondary tariffs aimed at countries still buying Russian oil—like India and China. An official in New Delhi sighed:
“We buy cheap Russian oil, now we get punished. Meanwhile, Americans drive SUVs the size of tanks. Where’s the justice?”
Europe Flies In (For Donuts)
Determined to “lead the free world,” Trump invited European leaders to Washington for urgent talks. A Brussels insider whispered:
“We don’t know if we’ll actually solve the Russia issue, but the White House promised free donuts and Starbucks. Europe isn’t going to miss that.”
Ukraine: Both Hopeful and Nervous
In Kyiv, one official half-joked while watching the live broadcast:
“Every time Trump promises a ‘powerful sanction,’ we feel both hopeful and scared… because we never know if he’s punishing Russia, or accidentally punishing us.”
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Trump’s “Phase Two” could be anything—tariffs, cutting off Russian TV, or even banning Putin from Miss Universe. The world waits nervously, while Putin has already scheduled his weekend golf game, and that’s when…
